


Just Wanna Be Happy

by angelsfalling16



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, Lack of Communication, M/M, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Non-Linear Narrative, POV Alternating, Party Games, SnowBaz, Spin the Bottle, deNiall, drunk!baz, hungover!baz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:22:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23708326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelsfalling16/pseuds/angelsfalling16
Summary: After a night of drunken party games, Baz tries to remember what happened and whose number is on his arm while also dealing with the fact his two best friends aren't talking to each other anymore.
Relationships: Dev & Niall & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Dev/Niall (Simon Snow), Penelope Bunce & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 66
Kudos: 277





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this back in November but never got around to posting it, and since I didn't feel like writing today, I thought that it was time to put this out into the world. I hope you all like it!
> 
> Title is from the song "Happy" by Leona Lewis
> 
> Thank you @ace-of-haerts on Tumblr for beta-reading :)

**Baz**

“I’m going to kiss him.”

“No, you’re not.” Dev puts his arm out to stop me, but I haven’t actually tried to move.

The party has begun to die down, and I can’t remember how much I’ve had to drink, but I think I’m finally ready to make a move. This is my time to finally tell Simon how I feel about him. I’ve been staring at him from our place here against the wall for far too long, watching him from the edge of the party.

I’m not sure why I agreed to come. I don’t know why I’m drinking either. I don’t usually do it this much, but graduation is coming soon, and I’m worried about what comes next. I guess tonight was a chance to forget everything for a little bit and just let go. Doing that with a drunk Simon in the room was probably not the best idea, but it has given me this opportunity to do something about these feelings that I’ve been holding inside of me for years.

“Why not?” I’m pouting, but I can’t get my brain to tell my face to stop doing that.

“Because tomorrow when you wake up, not only will you have a killer headache, but you’ll hate yourself.”

“I already do that.”

He sighs as if he wishes that he was doing anything but standing here having this conversation with me, and I’m pretty sure that I know exactly where he’d rather be.

“Then you’ll hate yourself even more.”

“But at least I’ll have kissed him,” I sigh. The more I say it, the better an idea it sounds.

“Doesn’t he have a girlfriend?”

“Nope,” I say, popping the ‘p’. “Apparently, they broke up a few weeks ago.”

“So, you want to be the rebound.”

“No. I want to be the guy who shows him exactly what he’s been missing all this time. _Me_ ,” I say, jabbing myself in the chest for emphasis.

“You’re being ridiculous, Baz.”

“You’re the one who hasn’t stopped staring at their best friend since we got here.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he says, lifting his chin defiantly.

“Yeah right. I think that you should do what I’m going to do.”

“Which is?”

“Kiss the guy I’m in love with.”

“Sorry to say that I’m a little too sober for that.”

“Or maybe you’re sober enough to make it perfect.”

Dev opens his mouth to say something else, but we’re distracted by the sudden commotion in the middle of the room. We’re in somebody’s living room - I can’t remember whose - and most of the furniture has been shoved to the side to make room for a makeshift dance floor. Not that anyone here can actually dance. It has been torture to watch people shake their hips and fling their arms around in what is meant to be a dance but is likely to take someone’s eye out. Simon has been the worst.

“Hey, everyone,” someone yells. “I think we should play a game of spin the bottle.”

A few people cheer but I groan. “Spin the bottle is a childish game.”

“Oh, but it provides the perfect opportunity for you to kiss Simon.” I can tell that Dev wasn’t being serious, but I don’t care because he’s right.

“I’m in,” I call, lifting my cup. “But first I need more to drink,” I add, looking down into my empty cup with a frown.

“Oh, no, you don’t.” Dev plucks the cup from my hand. “You’re staying over at my house tonight, and I can’t have you throwing up everywhere. My parents will kill me. And you.”

I frown and reach for the cup, but he sets it down on a table and drags me over to the carpet where some of the others are creating a circle.

I’m about to gripe at him for taking my drink when I see Simon take a seat opposite me in the circle, and I get distracted by the messy flop of curls that has grown long enough to fall in his eyes. I imagine pushing it out of his face before carding my fingers through the dense mass of curls atop his head.

I barely notice that Dev has disappeared until he returns, taking a seat next to me and placing a cup in my hand. I sniff it before looking at Dev with a frown, and he shrugs.

“I thought you said I couldn’t drink anymore.”

“You’re going to need it. Plus, watching you drink is fun. It’s going to make this game much more entertaining.”

I’m pretty sure there’s meant to be an insult in there somewhere, but my head is spinning too much for me to be able to find it. Taking a sip of my drink, ignoring the way it burns my throat on the way down, I watch as someone’s hand reaches out to spin the empty soda bottle that somebody procured from the other room, and I feel my heart start to race with anticipation.

I’m finally going to kiss Simon Snow.

***

Dev was right when he said that I’d wake up with a killer headache. I feel like crap, and there is no way that I am ever getting out of this bed. I pull the blankets up over my head and try to fall back asleep.

“Morning, Sunshine,” an irritatingly familiar voice singsongs from nearby. I groan, shoving the blanket back down and opening my eyes. I instantly regret it as the light coming in through the window hits my face.

“Oh, god. What time is it?”

“Almost eleven. Here, I brought you some water.”

He pushes himself away from the wall that he was leaning against near the door and holds out a bottle of water. I take it and unscrew the cap, but it feels like too much effort to sit up and drink it, so I just hold it.

“Check your arm,” Dev says, so I look down at the arm holding the water. There’s nothing there, so I look up at Dev like he’s lost it. He rolls his eyes. “Your other arm.”

I lift my other arm to inspect it, and across the inside are scribbled the words “call me” along with someone’s phone number and a little heart.

“Ugh.” I say, squeezing my eyes shut for a moment. “Who wrote this? Please tell me it wasn’t that girl I kissed.”

“You don’t remember?”

“I don’t remember much of last night,” I say honestly, pushing myself up just enough to drink some water, hoping it will soothe the burning in my throat.

“It wasn’t a girl,” he says. “And you should definitely call the number.”

“Who was it?”

He shakes his head. “I think you should find out for yourself.”

“Why?”

“Just do it.”

I look at my arm once more, considering it, but I don’t want to call some random person. Especially not with my head pounding this much.

“What were you doing in here by the way? Watching me sleep?”

“Er, not exactly. Niall is in my room.”

“What?” I ask, genuinely surprised. “Why?”

“He was too drunk to go home, so he texted his mom and told her that he was staying here.”

“Did you two…?” I raise my eyebrows at him suggestively.

“No!” He hisses quickly. “He passed out on my floor, and he was still asleep when I woke up. I didn’t want him to wake up to find me watching him, so I came in here to talk to you.”

“Wait, you two kissed last night,” I say, flashes of the game last night coming back to me. “A lot.”

“We did,” Dev says, smiling as a blush spreads across his cheeks.

He looks happy, the really gross kind of happy that makes me want to throw up. Or maybe I’m just feeling nauseated from how much I drank last night. Either way, I need to find something to throw up in before I throw up all over this bed, which is much too comfortable to deserve that.

“Does that mean you two are a couple now?”

“No.” The smile slips from his face. “Just because we kissed, doesn’t mean it meant anything.”

“Are you sure?” I ask dubiously, taking another sip of my water.

“Yeah.” Dev shrugs. “It didn’t mean anything.”

I can see right through the lie, but I don’t press it. I know how much Dev cares for Niall, but I also know what it’s like to be in love with someone who barely notices you and who you are dying to kiss no matter the consequences.

“Oh my god,” I shout, sitting up too fast, some of the water splashing onto my arm. The world begins to spin, but I can’t get the image out of my head. It’s another thing that happened last night that I had forgotten about up until this moment.

“What?” Dev asks, looking far too amused.

“I kissed Simon last night.”

He laughs, and I toss a pillow at him. It isn’t quite as satisfying as I had hoped it would be.

“You sure did. More than once from what I recall.”

“What?” I only remember one kiss, and it didn’t last as long as I would have wanted.

“After the game ended and people were starting to leave, you pressed him against the wall and kissed him one more time.”

“Why did you let me do that?” I groan, my head falling into my hands, my cheeks burning with humiliation.

“You were pretty determined. You said that if it was your only chance to kiss him, you weren’t just going to let him leave.”

“Oh, god. I can’t show my face at school on Monday.”

“It’s not that bad.”

“Yes, it is. He probably knows how I feel about him now. Did he say anything to you about me?”

“No, but why would he? We aren’t friends, and the only people I saw him talk to were you and that girl Penny.”

“He talked to me? Like, an actual conversation? We weren’t fighting?”

“Yep.”

“I can’t remember anything that he said.”

“Well, you know what you should do?”

“What?”

“Call that number.”

“Why? I don’t care about whoever it is.”

“You might be surprised.”

“No.” I shake my head determinedly.

“Fine. It’s your choice. Shower and then let’s go get breakfast. I’m going to go wake Niall.”

I groan, not wanting to get up.

“Make sure you write down the number first,” Dev calls as he walks out of the room, and I fall back onto the bed. I don’t get why he’s so obsessed with the number.

After a few minutes, I finally get up. The world seems to spin as I move to the overnight bag that I brought over yesterday before we left for the party.

I flick on the lights in the bathroom, and I cringe. Maybe it’ll be okay if I can keep my eyes shut all day.

When I pull my t-shirt up over my head, I catch sight of the ink on my arm in the mirror and sigh. The handwriting looks vaguely familiar but not enough for me to figure out who wrote it, and I still can’t remember that part of the evening. I don’t remember much of what happened, especially not after the game of spin the bottle broke up.

Did I talk to someone? Dev says I talked to Simon, but it definitely wasn’t him. Someone else I kissed during the game must have gotten the wrong idea, but the other people I kissed are just blurry faces in my mind right now.

Sighing, I grab my phone off the counter and snap a picture of it.

Maybe someday I’ll get over Simon. Perhaps this mystery guy is the key to moving on.

After a long shower, I head out to find Dev and Niall, still feeling a little nauseous but better than I did before.

When I find them in Dev’s room, Dev is sitting at his desk, staring out the window, and Niall is staring hard at the floor. Dev stands up when he hears me enter, and Niall follows suit but won’t look at anyone. Dev is wearing a deep frown as he glances over at him, but neither of them says anything. Something must have gone wrong between them, which doesn’t bode well for me.

If Dev and Niall can’t find a way to get together, there is no chance for me and Simon.

“Let’s go,” I say, slipping on my sunglasses before we even start walking down the stairs.

They both stay silent as they follow me, which is only further proof that something is wrong, but my head is still pounding, and I’m not in the mood to help them work through this right now. Maybe after we eat.

_This breakfast is not going to be pleasant_ , I think. Except, I may have accidentally said it aloud.


	2. Chapter 2

**Dev**

I don’t know why anyone likes this game. Niall has already kissed two people, and he hasn’t even gotten a chance to spin yet. He’s sitting two people over from me, and he’s up next. I try not to watch as he spins it, telling myself that it doesn’t matter who it lands on, but I must be some kind of masochist because I forced myself to watch him kiss those other guys, and I’m preparing myself to do it again.

I watch him as he firmly grips the bottle and twists his wrist to spin it. My eyes stay on his hand for a moment, lingering on the length of his fingers as he curls them up before pulling his hand back.

Everyone is quiet while it spins, and it isn’t until a few people cheer and someone, who sounds suspiciously like Baz, catcalls that my eyes leave Niall and return to the bottle to see who it landed on.

My heart nearly stops when I see who it is. I struggle to breathe, and I’m frozen in place, just staring at it. It takes Baz nudging me in the side, harder than necessary, before I begin to move.

I don’t even decide to crawl over to him. It’s like my body’s gone on autopilot as my brain struggles to process all of this.

This is everything that I have ever dreamed of, but I never thought that it would happen quite like this.

Niall doesn’t seem to be quite as drunk as some of the other people, but it makes me wary of this. I want our first kiss to be something that we both remember the next day. I don’t want to give him the wrong signal by pushing him away, though, and when his hand comes up to rest on the back of my neck and drags me in closer, I give into it.

I let him pull me towards him until our lips meet. Every one of my nerves is on fire when his lips press against mine, and I suddenly feel aware of everything that is happening.

The kiss is soft and hesitant at first, but when neither of us pulls away, it grows into something more passionate. His fingers tangle into the hair at the nape of my neck, and when he tilts his head and starts to kiss me more fiercely, I make an embarrassing noise in my throat.

I bring my hands up to cup his face, and everything around us falls away. I don’t hear anything that anyone might be saying. I’m sure that Baz is probably smirking at us while taking another drink, but I don’t care to know what he’s thinking right now.

It’s only me and Niall as we kiss, our lips fitting together perfectly. I know that we should have pulled away by now, but I can’t be the one to do it. I’ve been in love with Niall for so long that I can’t let go. I’ll never let go. He has to be the one to pull away.

After another minute, he does - or maybe someone pulls us apart; I’m too dazed to be sure - and the noise of everyone around us comes rushing back to me. People are cheering and whistling, but my focus is solely on the way that Niall is looking at me, a smile growing on his face.

“Want to get out of here?” He whispers, a secret just for me.

I should really think this through. This probably doesn’t mean anything. I’m likely just the best kisser out of the three people he’s kissed tonight, and he just wants to have some fun.

I should tell him no. I care too much about this. But that’s also why I think I’m going to go with him. This is my one chance to get what I want, even if it’s just for this one night.

“Yes,” I say, flashing him my most charming smile.

We stand, and when his hand reaches for mine, my knees go weak, and I stumble after him to a secluded corner of the room. He pulls me down to the floor next to him, and I practically fall into his arms.

I take a slow, shaky breath, still wondering whether this is a good idea. The corner of his mouth quirks up, and it’s the same smile he’s thrown at me a million times. It feels different this time, softer and more personal. It makes me melt into his arms, and when he finally kisses me again, I easily open up to him.

We kiss for so long that I lose track of time, unsure how much time has passed, but I'm pretty sure that it’s been a while. I’ve pulled away to catch my breath, leaning back to get a better look at Niall, wondering what the hell I’m doing, when I realize that the rest of the room has gotten quiet.

I glance around and find that most people have left. Only a handful of party guests remain, but they seem to be on their way out. I turn back to Niall and clear my throat awkwardly.

“We should probably get going.”

He nods and begins to stand. “You’re right.”

“I’ve got to go get Baz,” I tell him, standing up next to him, “then I’ll take you home.”

“Sure.”

He presses his lips together tightly and follows me silently across the room. As we walk towards where Baz is, I watch as Simon writes something on his arm before scurrying away, following his friend, Penny, out the door.

Baz has moved to lean against the wall, and he somehow manages to make his stance look cool, but I’m pretty sure he’s using the wall for support. When he pushes off it and stumbles a step toward me, I know that I’m right.

I wrap an arm around his waist to hold him up so that we can walk to my car. I start to ask him what that was all about, but he’s got this stupid grin on his face that I’m certain I’ve never seen before, and it makes me hesitate.

“He kissed me,” Baz sighs. I shake my head and pull him towards the door. “I told you that I was going to kiss him, and I was right.”

“Just wait until morning when you’re sober enough to truly think about that,” I murmur.

“I had to kiss three other people before I kissed him, but it was worth it. Even if one of them was a girl.”

He grimaces at that, but it quickly turns back into a sloppy grin. It freaks me out a bit to see Baz like this.

A grin is rare with Baz, almost nonexistent, and anyone who isn’t friends with him probably believes that all he ever does is scowl and sneer. There’s more to him, though. You just have to get through to him, which sometimes seems like more trouble than it’s worth it.

I believe that it’s worth it, though. We’ve been good friends for years, and I know that most of what he does is simply an act to push people away. I just worry that he’ll push the wrong people away. But Simon gave him his number, so it’s possible that he hasn’t screwed that up.

Maybe Baz actually has a chance with Simon after all.

***

Niall is curled up on my bedroom floor, and I’m just standing here watching him sleep. I look like a weirdo. And a creep. Watching the guy who you’re in love with sleep is super creepy, but I can’t help myself. He looks adorable with my pillow under his head, and a fuzzy blanket wrapped tightly around him. His hair has fallen into his face, and I want to go over there and smooth it back.

Yep. I should definitely get out of here before he finds me staring at him.

I wander around my house for a little while, but it’s empty and boring with my parents already at work, so I find myself standing in the doorway of the guestroom where Baz is sleeping, which is only slightly less creepy than watching Niall. I could always claim that I’m checking to make sure he hasn’t gotten sick all over the place.

Baz looks peaceful when he’s asleep, but it’s only an illusion. I know from experience that waking him up could lead to him doing serious bodily harm. Luckily, after a couple of minutes, he stirs on his own accord.

He looks like crap. (Which I don’t say to him.) I tell him to shower and get dressed so that we can go out for breakfast before going to wake Niall. (Who is less violent in the mornings at least.)

Niall is awake when I return from the guest room, and he’s perched on the corner of my bed, lacing up one of his shoes.

“Morning,” I tell him, leaning against the doorway. “Want to go get breakfast?” 

He shrugs and starts in on tying the other shoe.

“Are you alright?”

“Fine,” he says curtly, tightening his laces with more force than necessary.

He clearly isn’t fine, but I’m not sure if I should push it. He’s probably just hungover.

Moving into the room, I offer him some clothes and a shower, but he replies just as gruffly as before. I try again to ask him what’s wrong, but he answers in short, nondescript sentences, so I give up and settle into the chair at my desk, leaving my bed for him. We sit in silence for the rest of the time while we wait on Baz.

It isn’t long before we’re on our way, and Baz is right when he says breakfast is not going to be pleasant.

For once, I’m thankful that I’m the one driving because it gives me something to focus on that it isn’t my two brooding passengers.

When we get to the diner, I lead us over to a booth in the back corner. Baz keeps his sunglasses on as he slides into one side of the booth, and Niall slides into the other. After a brief moment of hesitation, I take the seat next to Baz. He may be angry, but at least I’m certain that it isn’t because of me.

An attractive guy with dark floppy waves and thin-wired glasses perched on his nose comes to take our order, and I smile up at him apologetically, knowing that our table isn’t going to be too nice.

After a couple of nudges to Baz’s side, I finally get him to ask for a large plate of bacon with a side of eggs. The waiter frowns but writes it down anyway before turning to Niall, who orders a large stack of pancakes with a side of bacon.

The waiter turns to me last, flashing me a warm smile full of dazzling white teeth, and usually, I would return it with a flirtatious smile of my own, but after last night, I can’t. I’m still holding out hope for Niall, no matter how foolish that may be.

Instead, I give him a small, tight-lipped smile and tell him to bring as much coffee as he can give me, along with coffee and water for others.

“Nothing to eat?” He asks with a cute tilt of his head.

“I’m alright,” I tell him.

I didn’t even drink last night, but I don’t think I can stomach anything right now. Niall can’t even look at me, and I can’t be mad at him. I made the decision to kiss him, knowing full well that this exact thing might happen. I just wish that he would talk to me so that we could try to find a way to work through this.

Our food and drinks arrive quickly, and I smile gratefully at our waiter when he sets down a giant cup of coffee in front of me. It’s not one of the cups they usually give to customers, and it makes me smile for a moment to think that he would go out of his way to do this for me.

Baz and Niall eat in silence while I sip on my coffee, and I’m beginning to wonder why I even suggested coming here. I thought it would be fun, that we’d joke and laugh about the party last night, but looking back, there isn’t anything funny about what happened last night.

We all took some risks, and it appears like at least one of us regrets it. I want to regret it. I want to be angry at myself for what I did, but I’m not. I liked kissing Niall, and even if I have to pretend like it didn’t mean anything to me, I will never want to take it back.

I can’t tell if Baz regrets kissing Simon or not, and frankly, I’m a little afraid to ask. Bringing up Simon to Baz has always been a little risky, but I’m pretty sure it would be even worse right now, so I choose to keep my mouth shut and continue sipping on my coffee.

I was actually beginning to think that this breakfast couldn’t get any worse when as shadow falls over our table and I turn to see Simon Snow standing at the end of it.

I groan inwardly. I should have just stayed in bed this morning, or better yet, not gone to that party. This is just a little too much for me to handle this morning.

“Um,” he says awkwardly. “I’m sorry to bother you, but there isn’t anywhere else to sit, and I’m starving. Is it alright if I join you guys?”

We all - including Niall, forkful of syrupy pancake halfway to his mouth - look to Baz for the answer, but he scowls quietly and turns away from us to look out the window, ripping a slice of bacon viciously in half. I turn back just in time to see a look of hurt and disappointment flash across Simon’s face before he manages to school his features. I guess Baz hasn’t called that number yet.

I look to Niall, but he looks away, too, so I suppose it’s up to me.

“Go ahead,” I tell him, nodding at the only open spot, next to Niall and across from me.

It’s probably a mistake, but if Niall and Baz are going to act like this, why not go ahead and add Simon to the mix? At least we can all be miserable together, all of our pain caused by things we did at the party last night.

I almost laugh thinking about it. We all kissed someone else sitting here at that party, and now none of us are talking. We’re all a bunch of fucking clowns, me and Baz the most for thinking we could ever have what we wanted. But I guess I’m the worst because I am the only one of us who was completely sober last night, and I still made a horrible mistake.

I knew that kissing Niall might change things between us. I just never thought that it would end with him unable to even look at me. I never thought there was a chance I would completely lose my best friend.


	3. Chapter 3

**Simon**

_Maybe I shouldn’t have agreed to this game_ , I think as the first person spins the bottle. There isn’t anyone here that I particularly care to kiss, but somehow, I ended up agreeing to play it anyway. Luckily, the bottle doesn’t land on me and I’m safe. For the moment at least.

Everyone else seems to be much drunker than I am, including Baz, which is surprising because he’s always so put together. It’s weird to see him just let go like this.

I’ve been watching him quite a bit tonight, and as the night goes on, he seems to loosen up more and more. I was surprised that he decided to play the game. This kind of thing seems beneath him.

I’ve had one drink that I’ve been sipping on all night, but I’m beginning to think that I’m a little too sober for this and wish that I had drunk more. Everyone else is happy and cheering, and I seem to be the only person hoping the bottle doesn’t land on them. I’m not sure what I’ll do when it’s my turn to spin.

Penny is sitting a few people down from me, and when she spins, it lands on me. We move towards each other and kiss each other on the cheek. A few people boo, but I just shrug and return to my seat and watch the rest of the game go on.

Baz’s friend, Niall, is next, and when he spins it, the bottle lands on their other friend, Dev. I expect their kiss to be as innocent as mine and Penny’s just was, but I’m shocked when they kiss full-on and stay locked together like that for so long that a couple of people begin to shift uncomfortably. Finally, someone pulls them apart.

I watch curiously as Niall whispers something to Dev and they both stand up and leave the game, disappearing into a corner of the room to be alone. Baz nods at his cousin with a raised brow, and a few people cheer, making me wonder if they were one of those couples that everyone except those two saw coming.

Must be nice. I wish that I was that in love. Sadly, I’m alone.

When it comes my turn to spin, the bottle lands on a girl I barely know, and we kiss briefly before the game continues on. It isn’t as nerve-wracking as I thought it would, but it also isn’t pleasant. I take another sip of my drink.

I watch various other pairings kiss, and a few lone people trickle away, either to get a drink or tired of kissing people they don’t like.

Baz has kissed three people so far. Two of them were guys, one of whom he kissed for an unexpectedly long time, much longer than either of the other people. The kiss with the girl was chaste and barely a kiss at all. I don’t know why I find this such an interesting an observance, but I begin to wish Penny was sitting next to me so that I could talk to her about it. (Though, she’d probably accuse me of being obsessed with him again.)

I’m just about to leave the game, too, when it’s my turn to spin again. I sigh. One more kiss can’t be that bad. I watch the bottle spin round and round in the middle of the circle before it begins to slow. I keep my eyes on it the entire time, and when I look up to see who it landed on, I just barely keep myself from gasping aloud.

_Baz._

We silently move towards each other, meeting in the middle of the circle, and I’m almost certain that he’s about to hit me rather than kiss me. He’s looking at me the way that he does right before he starts a fight, and I brace myself for the impact of his fist.

But then he’s leaning closer to me, his eyes falling shut, and my heart does this little flutter.

It’s a weird feeling. It’s definitely not how I’m supposed to feel when the guy who hates me is about to kiss me, but in all honesty, I don’t hate him back.

It’s quite the opposite actually. Not that I’ve ever told anyone that. I haven’t even told Penny yet. Agatha and I just broke up not too long ago, and Baz hates me anyway. I don’t see a reason for anyone to know about how I feel. It’s not like anything will ever come of it.

This one kiss is the closest I’ll ever get to actually being in a relationship with Baz, so I lean in to meet him, my fingertips pressed to the floor both to steady me and to keep myself from fisting the front of his shirt and pulling him closer.

His lips are incredibly soft when they meet mine, and I jut out my chin to kiss him more firmly. He pushes back, and I’m pleasantly surprised by the fact that he hasn’t pulled away yet. The kiss lasts just a little bit longer than I expected it to, but Baz still pulls away sooner than I want him to.

I don’t look at him as I return to my seat, thinking that it’s about time that I quit the game. I stand up, running my fingertips lightly over my tingling lips. I want to remember that moment forever. Kissing Baz was better than I ever could have imagined.

A part of me wants to stay in the game in the hopes that I’ll get to kiss Baz again, but I don’t want to risk the chance of kissing someone else. The game has dwindled down to just a handful of people anyway.

The rest of the game breaks apart soon after I quit. The party is beginning to wind down, and I’m waiting on Penny to say goodbye to someone so that she can take me home when I catch sight of Baz out of the corner of my eye. He’s watching me not so surreptitiously, and I decide that I want to take a chance. If it doesn’t go well, I can always say that I was drunk. (Even though I’m not.)

Before I can move, though, he starts making his way over to me. He’s got this look of determination on his face, and I think that he’s chosen to hit me after all. He stops just in front of me and doesn’t say anything for a long moment.

“Hey, Baz,” I say, shifting my weight awkwardly, unsure of what’s happening.

He shakes his head, and before I can ask what that means, his hands are on my hips, and he backs me into a wall. He still doesn’t say anything, but then he’s leaning down, and I gasp as I realize what he’s doing.

He kisses me, and I’m not sure what this means, but I kiss him back. After a moment, I feel his tongue run along my bottom lip, and I part my lips to allow him in. When his tongue wraps around mine, I can taste the alcohol on him, and I realize the only reason he’s doing this is because he’s drunk.

That knowledge hurts, and I’m just about to push him away when he pulls back on his own.

“Goodnight, Simon,” he murmurs, and just like that, he’s gone, leaving me standing there feeling dazed and confused.

“What was that about?” Penny asks, stepping up beside me a moment later.

“I think I have feelings for him.” It’s not really an answer to her question, but I needed to tell someone the truth. I’m tired of keeping it locked up inside me.

“Does he share that sentiment?” She asks, her eyes falling on where he’s standing a few feet away.

“No idea.”

“Did you at least give him your number or something?” Leave it to Penny to be sensible.

“No.”

She rolls her eyes. “Here.” She pulls a permanent marker out of her bag and hands it to me. (It’s amazing how many odd things she can carry in that bag.) “Go give it to him before he leaves.”

I jog over to Baz, and without a word, I reach for his arm and scribble my number there. I write ‘call me’ underneath, and because I’m an idiot, I add a little heart. I think about writing my name there as well, but if he’s too drunk to remember that it’s me tomorrow, then it’s probably for the best.

I turn away before he can say anything, and I follow Penny out the door, a small grin building on my face. This night has given me a bit of hope that I never thought I would have.

***

I ended up crashing at Penny’s house last night. Sleeping on her bedroom floor was better than going back to my current foster home. They probably didn’t even notice I was gone. I can’t wait until we graduate and I can move out on my own for university.

I got up early this morning to leave, though. It’s always too crowded in her house, and I didn’t want to intrude more than I already had. I tried to get Penny to come with me to get breakfast, but she said that she planned to spend the entire day in bed.

I step inside the diner a few blocks from Penny’s house, and it’s packed, which isn’t too surprising for a late Saturday morning, but there aren’t any tables open. Even all the seats at the bar are taken.

Deciding to wait a few minutes to see if a spot opens up, I glance around the restaurant. That’s when I see Baz and his friends sitting in a booth at the far side of the diner.

I know it’s a really bad idea to walk over there, but I can’t seem to stop myself. I had hoped that Baz would have texted or called me this morning, but I woke to find no missed texts or calls. Maybe he decided to have breakfast first.

I know that’s just wishful thinking, but my stomach is rumbling, so I decide to take a chance and ask if I can join them.

I shouldn’t be so surprised when Baz scowls and turns away from me, but I won’t say that it doesn’t hurt. Dev tells me to have a seat, and he seems to be acting a little too friendly to me, seeing as we’ve never been friends.

I sit down, and a few moments later, a waiter comes to take my order, his eyes falling on Dev every few seconds. It’s odd but I write it off as nothing, too tired to really care. I order a stack of pancakes with some orange juice and lean back against the booth.

I glance at Baz while I wait for my food. He reaches for his glass of water, and I can see that his arm is bare. He scrubbed my number off already, which means he probably doesn’t plan on calling me.

I was a fool to think he would.

The waiter comes back with my food, but I’m no longer hungry. I want to leave, but that would be rude. Plus, I can’t just let Baz win. I can’t let him scare me off. So, I pick up my fork and force myself to eat.

The silence at this table is deafening. I would think it was because of me, except they didn’t seem to be talking to each other before I came over.

It’s strange to see that Dev and Niall aren’t sitting next to each other after the way that they were all over each other last night. I’m curious about what happened, but it isn’t my place to ask.

This breakfast is awful. Not the food - the food is great - but the company. I wish that I had kept walking and eaten at a place closer to my house. Anything would be better than sitting here replaying last night over and over in my head while Baz ignores me.

I was stupid to give him my number. He was drunk, and it didn’t mean anything. And as the backs of my eyes start to burn with tears of anger, I begin to wish that I was anywhere but here, even my small bedroom at home.

This was all a big mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that I just posted chapter 3 yesterday, but it was shorter than the others and not my favorite, so I decided to go ahead and post the next chapter today. (And chapter 5 should be up on Friday!)

**Niall**

I didn’t expect the bottle to land on Dev when I spun it, but I can’t say that I didn’t hope for that to happen. I’ve been dreaming of kissing my best friends for years. Ever since I learned what romantic love was, I knew that that’s what I felt for him. He’s my world, and I’m about to risk destroying that by pulling him to a corner of the room and kissing him senseless.

I’m shocked when he agrees to go with me, but I only let it stop me for a moment before I take charge and pull him away from the game, moving towards a shadowy corner of the room.

I tug him down to the floor, and he falls half on top of me, but I don’t mind it. I want to grin at him, but I don’t want to let on just how much I want this.

He’s watching me quietly, and neither one of us has made a move to do anything. This should be awkward. It should be at least a little uncomfortable to move forward like this with him. We’ve always been just friends, and he has never shown any interest in being anything more than that.

But he isn’t pulling away from me when I wrap my arm around his waist to pull him even closer. And I’ve wanted this for so long that I’m not about to back out now. Not when I’ve finally got Dev exactly where I’ve always wanted him.

Plus, it feels like we were always moving towards something like this. We were two trains racing towards each other on a very long track, and this is the moment we finally collide. This collision will either destroy us or be the start of something new.

I’m hoping for the latter, but I’m trying to prepare myself for the former.

One of Dev’s hands is now resting lightly on my hip, like he’s afraid I’ll either run away or break if he grips too hard. I want to tell him that it’s alright, that I’ll be fine, but I don’t really want to talk right now. What I want is for him to kiss me already, to give me some kind of sign that this is alright, that he wants this as badly as I do.

I tilt my face towards his and start to lean forward.

“Dev,” I whisper, and it’s more of a question.

He nods once, and then he’s kissing me.

We start out slow again, but once I’m sure that he’s not going to pull away from me, I deepen the kiss.

I bite down lightly on his bottom lip, and when his mouth parts on a gasp, I slip my tongue inside. Our tongues meet and wrap around each other. Dev tastes like peppermint and something else, something sweeter.

I’m glad he hasn’t been drinking because it would have covered up this taste that is so very him. It’s hard to believe that I’ve gone so long without finding out what he tastes like. I’m beyond ecstatic that I’m getting the chance to find out and that he’s letting me kiss him.

I bring my hand up and slide it into his hair. I’ve felt his hair before, but I’ve always wanted to touch it like this - gripping it like I’m holding on for dear life.

His hold on my hip tightens as I delve deeper into his mouth, and his other hand comes up to cup the side of my face, his thumb brushing lightly back and forth across my cheek. I lean into his touch, reveling in how good this all feels.

I’ve imagined kissing Dev a million times, but I always assumed it’d be rushed and erratic. This is anything but that. This is soft and careful and when he touches me, it’s gentle but purposeful. It’s incredible.

After a couple more minutes, I have to pull back for air, and I drag my teeth over his lip as I go, drawing a quiet moan from him.

I open my eyes slowly, searching Dev’s face for any hint that he may not be enjoying this before I decide whether to keep going.

His cheeks are flushed, and he’s grinning at me with kiss-swollen lips. My heart does a little flip as I duck to hide my own grin in his neck. I can’t believe that I’m the one who caused this reaction in him.

I slide my arm that’s still wrapped around him down until my pinky finger is able to brush the skin below his dark t-shirt. His skin is warm and smooth, and I’m amazed that he’s allowing me to touch him like this. It’s such a small thing, but everything about this night is remarkable.

I feel him relax even more under my touch and then his hand starts to move, too, rubbing over my hip before he finally slips it beneath the hem of my button up. I hum against his neck before placing a kiss to the side of it.

I’m admittedly a little overdressed for this party, but I can’t find it in me to care about that. Especially not when Dev’s other hand starts to undo the top two buttons so that he can lean down and press a kiss to the hollow of my throat and then another to my collarbone.

I’m hoping that it’s dark enough in this corner that people won’t be able to see us, but I’m also thinking that I might not care. All of this here with Dev is too perfect to care what other people might be thinking.

When he leans back up, I’m not sure who moves first, but suddenly we’re kissing again. I cup his face in both hands and push into him. He returns the kiss just as eagerly, his hand slipping around to my lower back, and somehow, he maneuvers us so that he’s straddling my lap without his mouth ever leaving mine.

I never would have thought that it was actually possible that Dev could like me back until this moment. I’m putting my all into kissing him, and it feels like he’s doing the same.

I don’t want this night to end, but eventually the party dwindles down. As we stand up together, my eyes roam Dev’s body, taking in his mussed-up hair, swollen lips, and rumpled shirt. They all bare the evidence of what we were doing, and I’m smiling to myself as we walk over to Baz, already thinking about when I’ll get another chance to dishevel Dev’s appearance again.

On the way out to Dev’s car, I tell him that I’m too drunk to go home and ask him if it would be alright if I stay the night at his place. It wouldn’t be the first time, and it shouldn’t send my heart racing the way that it does.

I actually feel like I’ve sobered up, but I’d much rather spend a little more time with him than spend the rest of the night alone in my room.

Tonight feels perfect, and I’m dizzy in love as Dev takes my hand across the console in his car. Things have changed, and I can’t wait to see how much better they’re possible of getting.

***

_It didn’t mean anything._

Dev’s words ring in my mind the next morning as I trudge back to his room, and I can’t believe that I was such an idiot. I should have known that this would be true. I thought that last night meant something to him, but now it feels like he was just using me. I was just the first person he could find to make out with at a party. I should have known that last night was too good to be true.

Of course, Dev doesn’t have feelings for me. If he did, he would have said something by now.

I didn’t intentionally eavesdrop on his conversation with Baz. I was walking down the hall to see where Dev had disappeared to, and that’s when I heard them talking. I can’t help it if they had the door open.

I’m glad that I know the truth, though. He was so nonchalant to Baz about it, telling him it was nothing, that I can’t believe I ever thought he would think otherwise.

I feel like I got played by him, but I was stupid to think that he felt the same way. He just seemed so genuine in the way that he held me and kissed me last night. I never thought of him as a good actor, but apparently, I was wrong about a lot of things when it comes to Dev.

I wish I could write it off as him being too drunk to make the right decisions, but as our designated driver, he was perfectly sober. He knew exactly what he was doing, and even if he didn’t realize that he was going to break my heart, he still took that chance that he could hurt me.

I hurry back to his room before he finds me out here, and I start pulling my shoes on. I want to get out of here. I want to go home and just forget about last night.

Dev comes in, and I don’t even look at him. I just keep tying my shoe.

“Morning,” he says so cheerily that I kind of want to hit him. “Want to go get breakfast?” 

I shrug and move on to my other shoe.

“Are you alright?” He actually sounds concerned, but I can’t believe that he’s asking me that.

Of course, I’m not alright. The boy I’m in love with took my heart and broke it, and I’m pretty sure he has no idea, so I can’t be as mad at him as I want to be. I just wanted one night to be happy, and that has been soured.

“Fine,” I tell him, finishing with my shoe and straightening up. I stare at a point on the wall just to the left of him because I’m pretty sure that if I were to look directly at him, I’d break down.

“Let me get you some clean clothes to change into,” he offers.

“I’m fine with this.”

“Are you sure? I really don’t mind.”

Normally, I’d jump at the chance to wear something of Dev’s, to have his scent surround me for the day. But knowing how little he cares makes me want to hate him, just a bit.

“I don’t want to wear your clothes,” I say, just barely managing not to snap at him.

He frowns, and I can tell that he doesn’t understand, but I don’t feel like explaining to him. If he doesn’t know what he did wrong, I’m not going to tell him.

The only reason I agree to go to breakfast is because I don’t have any other way of getting home. I seriously regret not just walking, though, when we get stuck at a table with Simon Snow, who seems to almost be in a grimmer mood than me when Baz refuses to look at him.

I clearly remember those two kissing last night. They seemed pretty into it, but maybe I was wrong. It’s possible that I was floating on a cloud of bliss after making out with Dev for half an hour and that it blinded me from seeing anything bad.

I want to ask Baz what happened, but it seems like too much effort to talk. My head feels like it’s about to split open, and adding more noise to the already loud restaurant will not help that.

I pull my phone out of my pocket to text him instead, but as soon as I get a text typed up to him, my phone dies on me. Of course. Because this day wasn’t bad enough. I shove my phone back into my pocket and slouch down in my seat, glaring at my half-eaten plate of food, willing it to catch on fire and take me with it.

Fuck. I’ve been spending far too much time with Baz. His flair for the dramatics is beginning to rub off on me.

I wish that his ability to hide his emotions so well would rub off on me, too. I’m sure that everyone here can read me like an open book. Especially after I had to watch Dev flirt with the waiter. He could have at least been considerate enough not to do it when I was sitting right here in front of him.

I’ve been trying to focus on something outside of the window, but it’s just a lot full of cars. Not a lot of entertainment to be found there.

I’ve got Simon on my other side, so at least I could attempt to pick up a conversation with him. Only, I’ve never spoken to him before, and I have no idea what to say, so when I turn to him, I hold my mouth open for a few seconds with no sound coming out before snapping it shut and turning back to the window.

I pick at my food but don’t really eat it. I’m hungry but something about the fact that I know Dev will be paying for it makes it unappetizing. I’d pay for it myself, but I don’t have any money on me. I had planned on going straight home last night, so I don’t have much but my phone with me.

Everything is silent when suddenly, Baz gasps, jerking upright, and we all turn to look at him. His eyes are locked on Simon who is still wearing that sour look. His food is gone, and he has begun to pick at the food on the plate that I pushed aside before.

“Simon, I need to talk you.” Baz is already ushering Dev out of the booth, and I realize a moment too late that he plans to walk outside and leave me here alone with Dev.

I want to follow them out, but they’d think I was eavesdropping when all I really want is to get as far away from Dev as possible.

Once they’re gone, an uneasy silence settles over our table.

I pick up my barely touched cup of coffee just to have something to do and turn back to stare out at the parking lot. Two cars leave and another one enters, letting out two women with a small child. I watch as they move towards the door, the little girl walking between them, holding both of their hands. They look so happy, and I don’t understand why I can’t seem to find that for myself.

I watch them walk toward the door through the windows, and when the bell above the door rings as they step inside, I quickly turn back to the window, careful not to look at Dev.

I decide that this is going to be my routine until Baz returns because I’m definitely not going to talk to Dev, even though I can feel his gaze burning into the side of my face.

I don’t want to hear his excuses. I don’t want to hear him tell me that last night meant nothing to him, that he doesn’t have feelings for me. I was stupid to think that he might, and I don’t need him to rub that in my face. I just want to forget it ever happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The angst is not over yet, but there's only one chapter left, so hopefully everything will be resolved soon.
> 
> Thanks for reading, everyone, and for all the lovely comments! <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think that at the beginning of the fic I said the title was from Leona Lewis' song, Happy, but I never suggested you should listen to it because I didn't think it was necessary. But I had it playing on repeat while I edited this last chapter (and probably back when I wrote the fic) and it feels like it goes with it pretty well, so I am now suggesting that you listen to it at least once, before you read this last chapter or even while you read it!

**Baz**

Throughout breakfast, memories from last night come back in flashes. They’re like bits of a puzzle slowly piecing together, the full picture so close to completion but just out of reach as I search for the missing pieces. I feel queasier with each new memory, realizing just how drunk I was last night.

The first kiss that I shared with Simon comes back in more detail, and I’m pretty sure that there was a moment after I pulled away that Simon looked disappointed, but then he turned and practically ran away from the game, so I must have misread that expression. He couldn’t wait to get as far away from me as possible.

That stings, but it wasn’t wholly unexpected. I’ve always known that he didn’t have feelings for me, but after kissing him, it’s a little harder to shove down my own feelings. I’ve always been so good at that, but last night, I opened that bottle of emotions, and now, I can’t seem to put the cap back on.

Breakfast has been just as bad as I thought it would be. Dev and Niall can’t even look at each other, and my head is pounding too much to try to mediate their silent fight. I have to believe that after all of these years of friendship, they’ll be able to work through whatever it is that’s happening between them. I don’t want last night to tear us all apart. They’re my best my friends – my only friends actually – and I can’t afford to lose them.

Simon has just shown up, and I do not have it in me to deal with him either. Last night’s kiss keeps playing through my mind, and it’s killing me to know that he doesn’t feel the way about it that I do.

I turn away from him and leave the others to deal with him, feeling surprised and a little betrayed when Dev invites him to join us. Knowing how I feel about Simon, I thought he’d do the kind thing and tell Simon to get lost. Apparently, he’d rather see me suffer.

I tear at some bacon as I fight not to look at Simon, and in quick succession, more memories of the party come flooding back.

Dev and Niall disappearing into the corner, their hands all over each other. I can’t figure out how they went from that to this. Something must have happened between them while I was in the shower this morning.

As more images flash through my mind, I’m forced to face the fact that Dev wasn’t lying to me this morning like I hoped he was. I pushed Simon against the wall last night and kissed him. I can’t believe that I did that. I must have been possessed or something because there is no world in which I would ever do something like that. I’ve always been careful to keep my hands to myself so as not to find myself in this position where I did something that I’ve dreamt of doing for years, barely able to remember it while also regretting it.

I’m almost certain that Simon was kissing me back, rather than pushing me away, but that can’t be right. It was most likely because I caught him off guard, and it was more of a reflex than anything else.

I’ve managed to convince myself that this is true when the final moments of the party come back to me, completing this mortifying puzzle. At first, all I remember is a vaguely familiar looking hand writing that number on my arm, his other hand holding my wrist loosely. Then, the image widens, and I am watching Simon smile at me before he turns and leaves, the cap of the marker clicking back on as he goes.

_Fuck._

It was Simon’s number on my arm.

I’m going to kill Dev for not telling me that. But later. Right now, I have something that I need to do.

I jerk upright in my seat, nearly upending my plate in my lap, and turn towards Simon for the first time since he arrived. Dev is looking at me like I’ve absolutely lost it when I usher him out of the booth, but I don’t care how crazy I look right now because I can’t believe how I stupid I am. I should not have gotten drunk last night. If I was going to kiss Simon like that, I should have made sure that I would remember it.

“Simon, I need to talk to you,” I say, gesturing for him to stand up and follow me.

I turn and start walking towards the door, and I have to stop myself from turning around to see if he’s following me. If he doesn’t come, I will know that I have screwed things up too much.

I exit the diner and turn left, walking down to the corner, out of sight of the windows, before finally turning around. I am pleasantly surprised to see that Simon is only a couple of steps behind me. His arms are crossed over his chest, and he doesn’t look happy about being here.

But that’s the thing. He _is_ here. It has to mean something.

“You wrote your number on my arm.” It comes out sounding accusatory.

He frowns and says slowly, “I did.”

“Why?”

Now, he’s looking at me like he’s trying to figure out whether I’m being serious. I am.

“That should be obvious.”

“I want you to tell me.” Actually, I _need_ him to. I need to know that I’m not making this up.

Growling, he drops his arms to his sides, hands balled into fists. I wouldn’t be surprised if he decked me right now. I’m just hoping that he’ll hit me hard enough to knock me out.

“I’m not doing this with you, Baz.” He practically spits my name, and I’m now imagining him spitting on me and then licking it off. (Because I’m disturbed. Ask anyone.)

“If you don’t want to call me, fine,” he continues, snapping me out of my messed-up fantasies. “But you don’t have to humiliate me for this.”

“That is not what I was trying to do.”

“Then why all of the questioning?”

“Because…” But I can’t do it. I can’t tell him what I want to because it’s hard to believe that Simon has feelings for me.

Simon shakes his head. “That’s what I thought.”

He turns and starts walking back towards the door. I have to do something quickly or I’ll lose him. I have to take a chance. What’s one more stupid action?

“Simon, wait,” I call. He stops in his tracks but doesn’t turn. “Please,” I add, pleading with him to give me another chance.

He’s glaring at me when he turns. It’s obvious that this is my last chance. I have no idea what to say to make him understand, so rather than using words to convince him, I step forward, closing the distance between us, and kiss him.

**Dev**

Niall still won’t look at me. Simon and Baz left to either go start a fist fight in the parking lot or to work out their feelings. Probably both. With Baz, anything is possible.

I’ve attempted to start a conversation with Niall several times since they left, but he has just straight-up ignored me, pretending like I don’t even exist.

I can’t pretend that this isn’t killing me inside.

In the course of a single night, I have managed to lose both my best friend and the love of my life. Not that he knows that last part. I’ve never told anyone about that.

Baz figured out, but I guess it was easier for him to recognize it since he’s been going through his own bout of unrequited love for nearly as long as I have. We’ve been suffering together silently, and on the same night, we both decided to just go for it.

I hope he’s having a better time remedying it than I am.

I’m about to start begging. I’m not above that. Not when it comes to Niall. I’d do anything for him, including making a fool of myself in front of everyone in this diner.

“Niall, please talk to me.”

His fingers twitch around the coffee cup he has a death-grip on, but other than that, he doesn’t acknowledge me.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, letting my head fall into my hands. It’s the only thing that I can think of to say. I’ve screwed things up between us, and I know an apology won’t be enough, but I need him to know that I’m sorry for this.

I don’t regret it, though. I’ll never regret kissing Niall. Even if it ruined our friendship, I’m happy that I finally got the chance to show him how I feel about him. Maybe it was a mistake, but it’s one that I’m willing to live with. I just need to make sure Niall knows that I never meant to hurt him.

“Sorry for what?” Niall asks quietly.

Slowly, I look up at him. He’s still staring out the window, and I’m pretty sure that I must have imagined that he spoke. But then he turns to me and asks it again.

“What are you sorry for, Dev?” It sounds almost like a challenge.

I want to say everything, but I know that answer isn’t good enough. I also know that I’m not really sure what exactly it is that he’s upset about.

“Whatever I did to hurt you.”

“You didn’t do anything.” I know him well enough to see that he’s lying.

He clenches his jaw but maintains eye contact. He’s upset with me, but he’s giving me the opportunity to make things right. Maybe there’s hope for us after all.

“Is this about last night?” I ask, meaning the kissing specifically. My stomach churns uneasily, thinking about how much he probably regrets it. He’s silent, so obviously that’s the problem

“If you want, we can just forget about it.”

It hurts to offer him this. I don’t want to forget it. I want to remember last night forever, play that kiss over and over in my head as I try to fall asleep. But if it’s easier for him to pretend it didn’t happen, I’m willing to try that. Whatever it takes to keep him as my friend.

“Why would I want that?” He asks, not sounding at all pleased by my suggestion. If anything, he seems angrier than before.

I’m so confused about what he wants. I want to make him happy, but I don’t know how to do that. Maybe that’s why I’ve never been able to get him to like me. I don’t make him happy.

Sighing, I admit in a quiet voice, “I don’t understand why you’re upset.”

“Because I _liked_ what we did.”

His eyes are shining, like he’s on the verge of tears, and I’m stunned into silence. Somehow, I really did fuck this up. I just don’t know how.

**Simon**

Baz kisses me, and I have to stop myself from leaning into it. I place my hands on his chest and shove him away.

He doesn’t get to do this. Not again. He can’t just kiss me and not say anything. He did that twice last night, and I won’t let him do it a third time.

I’ll admit that I may be acting stubborn, but Baz is just so infuriating. Everything about him is infuriating. His hair, his voice, the way that he quirks his brow at me, his insults that dig into me even as I fall for him. All of it. But especially the way that he’s so closed off, never once telling me how he really feels.

Baz looks hurt when I push him away, but I have to force myself not to react. I have to keep this distance between us until he tells me what it is that he wants, no matter how much I want to just give into it.

“Baz, I want this, but I have to know what it is you want here.”

He’s quiet, pensive, and I fight the urge to turn and run again. I’m so afraid that I’m about to be rejected.

“I like you, Simon.” It looks like it physically pains him to admit this. “Is that not enough right now?”

I wish it was. I want it to be enough, but I can’t risk him pretending like this is nothing.

I shake my head. “No. I need more than that. I want more than just these kisses that you can act like didn’t happen whenever it pleases you.”

“I wasn’t pretending. I-I forgot. I know that isn’t any better, but I was drunk and—.”

“And you regretted it,” I finish for him, anger bubbling up inside of me again.

“No,” he says quickly. “I do not regret any of this. I was worried that you did.”

“Why would you think that? I gave you my number. Why would I regret it?”

“I only just now remembered it was yours. It’s why I wanted to talk to you.”

“So, you don’t regret it?”

He sighs, but his voice is soft when he says, “No, Simon. I do not regret it.”

“Good,” I say relieved, finally allowing myself to smile for the first time since I ran into him this morning. “Because I want this.”

“And what exactly is this?” He raises that irritatingly perfect brow at me, but the corner of his mouth quirks up, too, and when I reach out my hand, he intertwines his fingers with mine.

“ _This_ ,” I say. “You. I want to be your boyfriend.”

“You’d make a terrible boyfriend.”

He’s joking, I can tell, but I say, “I want to be your terrible boyfriend then. I just want to be with you.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yes, you can have this. If that’s really what you want.”

“It is.” Then, I kiss him.

This feels right. It feels like something has finally clicked into place, like a key fitting into a lock. Baz and I are meant to be like this. It just took us a long time to get here.

This kiss is so much better than the ones last night. For one, he doesn’t taste like alcohol. And for another, it doesn’t feel like either of us are holding back this time. We’re letting in all of the feelings we were holding back last night. That’s when I know that this is something that could last.

When we pull away, Baz is fighting back a smile but failing miserably. I drop his hand and push him away lightly.

“We should probably get back inside,” I say. Although, I’d much rather leave here and go somewhere with him.

He nods in agreement. “Dev is going to kill me for leaving them alone together. Niall isn’t talking to him right now.”

“Why not?” I ask curiously, moving towards the door.

“Because they haven’t quite managed to work through their feelings the way that we have. Maybe we could teach them a thing about communication.”

I laugh and shake my head. It’s no surprise that Baz’s friends would be just as bad at that as he is. If that’s true, they may need a push in the right direction, but when we step inside the diner and turn towards our table, I think that maybe they didn’t need our help at all. They just needed a moment alone.

**Niall**

I didn’t mean to just blurt out that I liked what we did last night, but it’s too late to take it back now. And once I say that, it isn’t long before the rest of truth starts to come bubbling out of me.

“I liked kissing you, and it meant something to me. It meant so much to me.” The last part comes out as a whisper as I stare down at the table, unable to meet his eyes. “I thought it meant something to you, too, but then I overheard you telling Baz that it didn’t mean anything this morning. A-and—.” My voice shakes. This is hard to admit after all of this time. “And it hurt to hear that. Because I like you, Dev.”

I force myself to look back up at him, but he’s just staring at me in stunned silence, so horrified by that thought of me liking him that he can’t even put it into words anymore.

I want to disappear. I wish that my seat would swallow me up so that I don’t have to face this humiliation. Maybe I should have tried to take it back, pretend that I was upset about something else so that we could go back to just being friends. But I’m not sure that I can do that.

I can’t just kiss him and forget about it, and I can’t believe that he would suggest that. It just shows how little it meant to him.

“Wait,” he finally says. “You like me.”

I glare at him. I don’t want to repeat it. I can’t. One confession was enough.

“I’m an idiot,” he whispers. He won’t get any disagreement from me there. Not today. “Niall, I like you, too.”

My entire body freezes at that with fear and anger. Fear that he’s lying and anger that he would do something so cruel. How could he lie like that? I clench my jaw and look down. I can’t say anything right now because I’m pretty sure that I’d start yelling at him, and I don’t want to make a scene.

“I thought that you were being so distant today because you didn’t feel the same way. I thought that maybe you regretted what we did last night.” He pauses briefly, taking a breath, and I let myself look up to meet his eyes now. “I didn’t realize you heard what I said this morning. I didn’t mean that. I just didn’t want to make a big deal out of it in case you didn’t feel the same way.”

My heart is doing cartwheels in my chest, and I can feel myself smiling at him. I can’t believe that we have both been acting so stupid today.

I want to reach across the table and kiss him, but like I said, I would prefer not to make a scene, so I settle for reaching for his hand instead.

With a wary smile he takes it and asks, “So, we’re alright?”

“More than. If you’ll agree to be my boyfriend.”

“Of course, I will.”

We’re both grinning stupidly at each other now, but I don’t care. I like this right here. I like finally being here with him. I’m happy.

Baz and Simon walk in a couple of minutes later, and I can tell from their faces that they’re happy, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and for seeing this through to the end!! :)


End file.
